Disrespect by Umm Zakiyyah

Disrespect.

I do not understand this word disrespectful.
I do not understand it.
But I heard it muttered alongside my name when I moved my lips while I was hurting.
They spoke of the rights of the one who struck me.
They spoke of the good of the one who slandered me.
And they spoke of the piety of the one who dismissed me.

I do not understand this word disrespectful.
I do not understand it.
But I heard it uttered after her name as she rushed away,
the cloth slipping from her head.
They spoke of the sanctity of the female body.
They spoke of the raging desires of the man near her.
But they did not speak of her
Or her pain.

I do not understand this word disrespectful.
I do not understand it.
But I heard it shouted from the pulpit after he wrote a song about Allah.
They spoke of the evil instruments of Shaytaan.
They spoke of the corruption of the rappers and singers.
But they did not speak of him
Or his soul.

I do not understand this word disrespectful.
I do not understand it.
But we whisper it in low voices, fearing it is carved on our souls.
So we do not move our lips when we are hurting.
We do not shield ourselves when they are striking us.
And we do not fault them when they slander us.
And we do not introduce ourselves to the world.

For we know religiousness is in silence.
And piety is in pain
So we submit to their dismissiveness.
And nod emphatically to their words.

We’ve made peace with not knowing who we are.
We find joy in denying our sadness.
But we smile.
Oh we smile!
Until the tears sting our eyes
Because now
They call us respectful.

—an excerpt of “PAIN. From the Journal of Umm Zakiyyah”

Some beautiful words from the journal of Umm Zakiyyah

“How can the same tongue that recites Qur’an backbite or utter a word of anger toward a fellow believer? How can the same hands that surrender to Allah in prayer be used to touch or do what is forbidden? How can the same feet that are cleansed in the water of wudhoo’ walk with intent toward carnal sin?” 
…Because the tongue, hands, and feet belong to a child of Adam—a human being—just like you. And just as your highest hope for salvation rests in earning the mercy and forgiveness you’ll never deserve, so it is with them—even as their tongue, hands, and feet sin differently than yours.’

We often caution each other to avoid discord, lest we fall victim to the traps of Shaytaan. But we must remember that, at times, Shaytaan is behind much of what we call love and harmony. 
In today’s world, it’s become quite commonplace to support wrongdoing in the name of kindness, patience, and tolerance. But, as believers, our ultimate goal is not to avoid discord and hurting people’s feelings. 
It’s to avoid discord *with Allah* and hurting our souls.’

Islam is not a philosophy and thus cannot be mastered through classes and books. It is not a scientific discipline in which you can become a “specialist” due to rigorous study. And it is not an academic subject in which a teacher can declare that you passed or failed. 
Islam is life. And you can’t get a degree or a certificate in “life.”
Yes, you can study *about* life. But in the end, you still have to live it. 
And you can only pray to God—in fear and hope—that you’re getting it right.’
—from the journal of Umm Zakiyyah